Sorry—I’m Not Demure or Brat Enough
how social media continues to fuel my identity crisis
Although all good things must come to an end eventually, I didn’t think Brat Summer would be standing on its last legs so soon. Almost overnight, I noticed my X and Substack Notes feed transition from vibrant, lime-green Brat-themed quotes to refined, pretty images of anything remotely chic with a label: Very demure. To be honest, I had never used the word “demure” in my life—but before I even had to search for the meaning from a reliable source, I managed to devise my own definition by digesting just a few of the social media posts which appeared in that context. Here’s what I came up with:
Demure: A feminized term used to describe a person, an action, or an “object” that exudes mindful and cutesy qualities.
How to use it in a sentence:
“I ordered a matcha latte; very demure.”
“You see how I do my nails? Very elegant, very demure.”
And the definition from the Oxford Dictionary is this:
Brat, on the other hand, denotes the complete opposite of a “reserved, modest, and shy” personality. Originating from the iconic Charli XCX album “BRAT”, being a Brat in the summer of 2024 means embracing everything that comes along with the party-girl chaos, with all its loud and carefree energy. According to Charli, Brat's summer essentials are “a pack of cigs, a Bic lighter, a strappy white top with no bra”. Definitely not what you'd traditionally call modest. If you’ve listened to any of the songs on the album, you would get the idea.
Based on these definitions, you can see that there is a striking juxtaposition between being Brat and Demure. Brat loves to take shots and dance all night at raves, but Demure prefers jazz clubs, wearing a backless dress with an espresso martini in hand. Brat’s makeup look is a smokey eyeshadow and a sharp wing, but Demure opts for a soft pink palette. Brat wouldn’t bother taking off that makeup before heading to bed, but Demure double cleanses and goes through a 10-step skincare routine. Brat voices her opinions loudly, while Demure writes her thoughts quietly in a little notebook.
Just as swiftly as this opposing personality emerged, the sudden change in the aesthetic of online creators, abandoning the “brat” qualities in favor of eagerly embracing the “demure” persona, highlights just how quickly people can jump on viral cultural bandwagons in today’s social media age. I’ve been following many content creators who have spent weeks gushing and obsessing over their Brat Summer, curating their appearances and attitudes to align with the bold and rebellious image. This image would help them not just flaunt this aesthetic online but also internalize the personality qualities that come along with it as if it were in them all along. I’ve fallen victim to this cultural bandwagon without realizing—I’m guilty of forcing myself to listen to the “BRAT” album despite my aversion to techno-pop, driven by the pressure to align with this fleeting trend. The fear of missing out on conversations with friends and engaging with the popular Substack essays around Brat Summer made me believe that conforming was essential. So I thought that if I tried hard enough, I would be able to keep up with the aesthetic and even be able to embrace it. I’m admitting it now though: “BRAT” is overrated.
But just as I was beginning to get the hang of Brat Summer, the trend pivoted almost instantly, shortly after Jools Lebron’s “demure” videos started gaining popularity through the TikTok algorithm over the last week. I woke up one morning and noticed that the “brat” aesthetic had come to an abrupt halt—no longer are they a topic of discussion, and all related content does not seem to surface on social media as much anymore. Out with the old, in with the new, just like that—and so the “brat” girl era comes to an end. No one seems to care if you don’t listen to Charli XCX anymore; they’re too busy internalizing “demure” qualities, which would be sabotaged by the theme of the “BRAT” album.
This common cultural routine perpetuated by quickly evolving algorithms presents us with extreme binary choices for our personalities. Either you’re a “brat”, or you’re “demure”. Though if you’re a “brat” now, you’re a few days behind the times. But if you’ve already fully embraced the “demure” persona, it raises the question of whether you ever fully embraced the “brat” identity in the first place. And even if you don’t see yourself as fitting neatly into either category, possessing even a single trait associated with one of these labels will pigeonhole you into a pre-written identity curated through social media. I’ve realized in the last few years especially, there seems to be a constant unspoken pressure to conform to one aesthetic after another, forcing us to limit our self-expression and fit into the trendiest identity category. It’s all too frustrating, and honestly, I’ve had enough of these microtrends. How come I can’t be clumsy without automatically being called “brat”? Why can’t I wear a classy dress without being “demure”? If I’m wearing that dress while I fall down the stairs, am I “brat” or “demure”? What if those parts of my personality are just “me”?
Even prominent political figures like Kamala Harris have taken advantage of these identities, recently publicizing herself as a “brat” amidst this trend, showcasing how pervasive and, at times, absurd this trend-chasing can be. Who knows, soon she might be re-branded as the “demure” presidential candidate. What would that even mean?
Have we ever considered the possibility of embracing both “brat” and “demure” personalities? Or neither at all? It’s easy to feel like I need to fit in a pre-defined mould when I am constantly bombarded with the next it-girl aesthetic every few weeks, especially when I’m still in the midst of figuring out who I am as a 19-year-old. The influence of social media makes everything far more complicated than it should be. I don’t really have the answer to the correct way to navigate through these trends that rise and fall at breakneck speed, except to remind myself that I don’t have to feel forced to conform to these labelled personalities. You can be a demure brat or a bratty demure for all anyone cares—what matters isn’t a single label but the freedom to add complexity to your identity by adopting these aesthetics if they appeal to you, or rejecting them entirely if they don’t.
Social media will keep spinning. How about you?
